Sunday, 23 July 2017

In Memory

Valour

Beautiful flowers laid in memory
for beautiful souls once vibrant,
folk like me and you, just ordinary.

Regimented wreaths laid for the valiant
brave men and women of land, sea and air,
you’re saluted with emotion, so ardent.

We thank you in silence, with a prayer.

Julian Clarke © 2017


43 comments:

  1. I love the end line - a powerful poem

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  2. silence and a prayer is a beautiful tribute to them...

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  3. Untimely death of the youths break heart & more so if it's for the political cause. Beautifully put.

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  4. Your premise puts me in mind of John Donne, who said 'every man's death diminishes me'. It is good to pause to reflect on lives lost, but not to become obsessed with deaths of others.

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  5. This is a fine tribute to those heroes who have lost their lives. If you are looking for constructive critique - perhaps consider finding a synonym for one of the 'beautifuls' rather than using it twice in such quick succession.

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    1. Thank you, Mary. Yes I agree and shall take that on board.

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  6. A tribute from my side to those sacrifices.

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  7. Funny that I read this as a tribute to the ordinary people on front lines of our culture wars, fighting for justice and the environment etc, before I realized it was probably for military soldiers and realized that heroes are in all walks of life.

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    1. Hi Colleen, thank you for your comments, much appreciate. You are right in your thoughts, the 1st stanza for those in our civilian and emergency services and the rest for those in the military.

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  8. I think it's shaping up beautifully. I don't think you need either 'so'; they weaken the following words.

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    1. Thank you, Rosemary, for your valued critique, I see where you are coming from.

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  9. No critique possible, for this is just lovely, Julian. I admire the tone of reverence for those who so deserve to be honoured.

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    1. Very kind of you, Sherry and thank you.

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  10. This is coming together nicely. Look for redundancies. Condense if possible.

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    1. Thank you, Rene. Your critque is much appreciated and I shall evaluate all in the next day or so.

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  11. This seems perfect to me, sometimes, less is more.

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  12. I also love it as is....keep it or add to it up to you.... such reverence felt in your special words for those who sacrificed everything.

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    1. Thank you, Donna, I'm glad you liked it.

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  13. A powerful poem. I might suggest replacing the first "Beautiful" with a different adjective, sinced beautiful is used in the next line.

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    1. thank you for your valued critique

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  14. This is lovely and tender. The tone is very appropriate.

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    1. Thank you, I'm pleased you enjoyed it.

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  15. a grand gesture of appreciation

    Have a good Sunday Julian

    much love...

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    1. I would get rid of the so in the second to last line, and the a in the last line.

      Elizabeth

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  16. wow! I'm touched by your spirit. So respectable and honorable. Good luck on this piece my friend!

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  17. This is an excellent place to start, Julian, and should you add/change no more it will serve admirably. Their sacrifice moves us into silence and prayer.

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  18. A wonderful piece. I really can't imagine what could be added or improved upon. Often, I think, in poems expressing gratitude and/or loss: less is more.

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  19. A powerful and lovely poem.

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  20. I like how you started off with noting their "ordinariness" and then go on to salute them for extraordinary valor. As others have said, watch for redundancies. Also try reading it out loud to yourself. See if it feels like there is something that needs to be added or refined.

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    1. Hi Rommy, thank you for stopping by and for your valued critque.

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  22. Such a beautiful and touching tribute..!

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  23. I agree with Rommy about the 'ordinariness' becoming extraordinary valour. The rhyme scheme and sentiment are spot on, Julian. I especially like the 'regimented wreaths'. I wonder if you could think of a more striking and original title for an expression of gratitude, as there are quite a few poems entitled 'In Memoriam' or 'In Memory'. Perhaps 'Not So Ordinary' or 'Extraordinary Valour'. Just a thought. :)

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    1. Yes Kim, you're right about the title, I was not happy with this one from the outset and I shall have to put my thinking cap on....again! Thank you for your constructive critque, much appreciated.

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  24. It is more of a tragedy when they are nameless and unsung in most instances. They sacrificed out of their conscience and much less for glory. These should be included as otherwise their noble deeds are not known. Great theme Julian!

    Hank

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  25. This invocation is powerful in its simplicity. I personally like the repetition of "beautiful" and particularly "so ardent." I thought both verses were addressing soldiers/military and appreciate the recognition of ordinariness (and youth!) right next to bravery. The bravery does come later.

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  26. The tone of this is so reverent - a most appropriate tribute - to all of our heroes.

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Comments are very much appreciated and I shall endeavour to reply, however, this may not always be possible due to time restraints.